10 year anniversary: Large Hadron Collider loses some weight: Particle accelerators shrink in size but turn the population on.
A look back at the machine that made men obsolete.
Disclaimer: This is satire. Deal with it!
To commemorate this moment in history, we’ve included an excerpt from Dear Debra: the newspaper column that helped a generation of young men get laid:
Dear Debra:
I really like this girl in my physics class; So far, we’ve bonded over her particle accelerator, but I’m nervous.
I’ve tried this pickup line:
“That’s a cool particle accelerator. Size matters. I hear that the smaller the Hadron Collider, the more likely we are to collide”.
She laughed at my line, but I didn’t ask her out because I don’t really know anything about particle physics. What should I do? I really like this girl.
Dear delulu boy:
She likes you. I know this because she hasn’t used her particle accelerator to send a million protons through your brain, and made your head explode. Have you ever wondered why your dad is afraid of your mother? This is why.
If you want to make a good impression on this girl, ask her out on a date, and let her talk your ear off about what particle accelerators mean to women in this day and age. You don’t have to be interested in the science; if you’re interested in her, just listen.
If you’re lucky, she’ll show you how a portable hadron collider can be used to simultaneously stimulate both of you to orgasm in a way you have never experienced.
Particle physics used to be about answering fundamental questions in science. Now that we’ve figured that out, it’s about figuring out all the novel ways a handheld particle accelerator can make you climax.
If you liked this, consider coming to Comedians From the Future, a one-night-only live comedy showcase of the future’s most notable comics.
