Boeing Stock Rallies Along With Employee Suicide Rates in What Wall Street Is Calling “The Greatest Workforce Reduction Since Last Quarter”
Boeing suicide rates fly higher than the 737 max...
Disclaimer: the contents of this “article” are parody and are purely fictional. (Please don’t sue me)
Arlington, VA - In a controversial press conference, Boeing leadership gleefully expresses their remorse for increasing suicide rates among former middle-management.
“Our thoughts and prayers are with the families of all those deceased” said one BA spokesperson, immediately before proceeding with their Bi-weekly earnings report.
“Why waste time paying employees a salary, when you can downsize while also creating a culture of fear? That’s what we’ve done at Boeing. We’ve found ways to maximize our profits for the second time today, by encouraging all employees to kill themselves.”
The room was silent as the spokesperson went on.
“Not everyone we encourage commits, but that’s to be expected. What wasn’t expected is that we had a remarkable conversion rate of 11%! That’s a hefty workforce reduction that ends with more money in investor’s pockets”
The room echoes with applause, and for a moment, BA stock-holders were happy.
It’s no secret that Boeing shareholders change their moods faster than a gym manager who needs to unclog the toilet, but even the harshest critics are saying that Boeing has never been more brave.
“Leadership is straight up on one…” and “I’ll have what he’s having…” said one Wall Street analyst, who espouses that cocaine is getting old, and that his new favorite drug is the perpetual high he gets from the suicide dividend.
Economists are upset this new strategy is working. “Public companies used to care about their employees, and this new trend will have long standing effects the markets won’t soon forget.”
Until then, investors are relishing the new inverse relationship between employee happiness and profits. Boeing stock holders deserve happiness too.