Incident Post-Mortem: Backdoor exposed in popular sex robot operating system leaves millions of men sexless.
Women are getting along just fine.
Summary of Bangbots LLC Sexbot "Backdoor Glitch"
Incident ID: CompanionshipOS-2124-04
Outage Duration: [56 hours 0 minutes]
Impact: Widespread service disruption of BangbotsOS, affecting user interaction with personal companion robots.
Incident Commander: [Collin, Senior Sex Engineer]
Participants
Development Team: “contractors from ‘Binary worship LLC’”
Security Team: “anti-penetration penetration support team”
Timeline
[12:01AM, March 28, 2124]: Initial user report of companion robots becoming unresponsive.
Audio recording below.
chart of the steep drop-off in session time lines up with time of first customer support call:
[09:00AM, March 28, 2124]: Sexbot Incident team assembled.
[10:00AM, March 28, 2124]: Collin, Senior Engineer, runs through a complete sexbot regression test. Collin failed to find any critical vulnerabilities in his first go around, so he requested to go a second time. Upon unzipping his pants and proceeding, he discovered he was not able to turn the sexbot on; bug reproduced in a production sex robot.
[10:50AM, March 28, 2124]: Developers begin sifting through thousands of lines of a production logging and sex graphs.
[12:00PM, March 28, 2124]: Root cause identified as a backdoor vulnerability in a critical 3rd party dependency (COKTA) used for penile authentication.
[03:00PM, March 28, 2124]: Temporary workaround implemented & defined as a soft reset every session, which requires user to reintroduce themselves to sexbot, much like a first date.
[04:00PM, March 28, 2124]: All hands meeting convened. All employees were instructed to go home and rigorously test their company issued sexbots, and to take thorough notes. QA engineers to observe and report.
[11:00PM, March 28, 2124]: Incident: Jerry, Junior QA engineer, passes out from exhaustion and dehydration; Jerry taken to the hospital and issued worker’s compensation.
[08:00AM, March 29, 2124]: Permanent fix proposed; Engineering team to begin work on a proprietary replacement for 3rd party authentication tool. Prolonged eye scanning proposed as an alternative biometric checkpoint.
[04:00PM, March 29, 2124]: Eye-contact authentication tool submitted as pull request, reviewed by engineering team, and passed along to QA.
[08:00PM, March 29, 2124]: Collin, Senior Engineer, volunteers to thoroughly and rigorously test sexbot software patch.
[08:00AM, March 30, 2124]: Permanent fix validated, over and over again, by Collin, Senior Engineer, and deployed. Collin requested the rest of the day off to rest and recuperate.
[08:01AM, March 30, 2124]: Permanent fix deployed. Usage increase occurs almost immediately, even though it was a work-day for most of our user base. (Talk about a sticky product)
[08:00PM, March 30, 2124]: Post-deployment monitoring confirmed the issue resolved. Users are having sex again.
[11:00AM, March 31, 2124]: COKTA patched upstream, re-enabling legacy method of penile authentication.
Root Causes
An unintended vulnerability in a core library (COKTA) responsible for biometric authentication (penis detection and validation), was compromised by a backdoor (ANA-1s3–x) that allows for unauthorized access on systems with compromised versions (5.6.0 and 5.6.1) installed.
This vulnerability triggered a fail-safe built in to the CompanionshipOS kernel. In order to prevent leakage of data, all systems compromised performed a lockout, preventing users from engaging in relations with their respective sexbot
Key Findings
COKTA, a widely-used penile authentication library , was compromised with a backdoor (ANA-1s3–x) that allows for unauthorized access on systems with compromised versions (3.0.0, 3.1.5) installed. The widespread use of COKTA in companionship robot distributions makes the impact of the backdoor significant.
The backdoor was discovered in every sex robot in production.
Prolonged eye contact reduced startup time for our older users by a significant margin. As a result, customer satisfaction among users 55 and older has gone up!
While prolonged eye contact was a suitable replacement for most, some users prefer the legacy method of authentication (sticking their penis into the sex robot).
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Oh this is truly… disturbing.
I hope you get some help. This is wildly concerning on so many levels.